Exasperation

My mood is so variable this week; my self-esteem wavers. Is it the approach of 9/11? It really could be. On the 5th anniversary, I was in Florida with my husband. I went, alone, to a cinema to view the movie World Trade Center. A true story, it featured first responders who got trapped in the wreckage. I cried and cried. This week I've read dedications and remembrances and watched documentaries that left me sobbing. Note, I feel like it's my duty as a citizen to absorb whatever authoritative information, sanctioned by smart people, is out there about 9/11. Which came first, my mood, or the anniversary?

I seem to be OK if it's not a "big" anniversary. But I get such a sense of sad astonishment to realize that those events were actually 5 years ago, now 10 years ago. On Wednesday I downloaded several job listings, with ideas for cover letters dancing in my head. I updated my resume and went to bed, imagining the productive next morning and how well suited I would be to most of the jobs. The next day I was too tired and sad to even try. Before going to bed, I posted a message on Facebook that consisted of words that I'm not supposed to say in public. Today I had to write down what's on my To-Do list b/c I don't trust my head to keep track.

On that day in 2001, my daughter was living in a hospital, kept safe by its remoteness. My son, however, was in high school. I phoned the high school to say: 'You know that the country is under attack. This is new territory. We do not know whether Boston and its environs are targets. Will you be sending the children home, so that they can be with their parents and loved ones?' I imagined, not without reason, that this day could be our last, and I wanted to be together. Although I tried and tried, I could not reach my parents, touring the coast of Maine. But my husband was on his way home... In the end, the kids were not dismissed -- leaving me feeling a certain kinship with those who could not reach their relatives in tall buildings, to confirm life and love.

When Mike returned at the end of the school day, he said that in his final period of the day there was an announcement. The principal via PA system let the student body know of the events of the day. The announcement concluded with, "However, I want all of you to know that Malden High School is a safe building." As Mike succinctly put it, "Yeah right, they smashed into the Pentagon, but Malden High is a "safe building.""